Bronwyn Green

The Day that Javier Regretted Coming to Work aka The Day that Jenny Trout is the Best Worst Best Friend Ever

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January 20, 2015

Gather ’round children, for it is story time. (Yes. Again. Quit bitching.)

Once upon a time, I had a Toshiba laptop. And it was a good little computer, but after about two years, it grew tired of my constant abuse and overuse and tried diligently and repeatedly to commit suicide.

Jen said, “Dude, since you’re thinking about getting a Mac, you can use my MacBook Pro and see if you like it. Come over, and I’ll show you how to use it.”

Jen is aware of my deep and abiding fear of learning new technology. In fact, I’m pretty sure she gave herself a concussion when she slammed her head on her desk (literally – I watched her do it) upon learning I was still using Media Player to listen to music. (Quit judging me!)

But despite the fact that she knew she’d be fighting an uphill battle that would require copious amounts of hand holding interspersed with a whole lotta tough love, Jen was willing to fall on that sword for me. Because she’s a good person, with, perhaps, a large deficit of common sense. So on Saturday, I went to her house to learn about the Mac – having picked up the new power cord Jen had ordered for it.

Our tutorial session ended up being an exercise in futility, because Jen’s son had been using the Mac…and apparently loading the whole of the internet on it so I guess it only had 14 out of 500andsome gig (that’s a computer thing, right?) available and the whole system was utterly jacked. She worked diligently to fix it, as you’ll see outlined below, but to no avail.

So Jen scheduled me a session with an Apple Genius for Monday. When I asked her what I should tell them when I brought in the computer, an expression of pure and utter horror crossed her face, and she said, “Nothing. You’ll tell them nothing.” Then she whirled around to her computer and started typing. Depending on what Jen is typing, the sound of her fingers flying over the keyboard can be either very soothing or it can sound a lot like a fully automatic machine gun pausing only to take aim at the next target. I’m sure you can guess what the following sounded like.

I have no idea why those two things look so different. Anyway, I went to the mall *shudder* with great trepidation, bearing Jen’s MacBook Pro and the above letter. I stood in line in the Apple store that was crawling with people, though more than one employee assured me it wasn’t busy. This did not make me want to hide in a corner and rock back and forth any less, because holy hell, all the people. I’m convinced that Apple pumps the store full of some sort of benzodiazapine blend before they open for the day, misting its employees so they can handle the crush of people with mind-numbingly stupid questions. And for fuck’s sake, if they’re going to do that for employees, they should do that for those customers who might need it, too.

I was directed to the “Mac Table” where I sat and waited for a Genius to be free. While I waited, I watched a lady who’d apparently made a Genius Bar appointment because she couldn’t locate the song she was looking for on her iTunes account. And another dude who was having trouble watching videos. A third gentleman sat down and wanted to know where the booze was. ‘Cause it’s a bar. Get it? Yeah, buddy. I’m sure they don’t hear that joke seventy-eight times a day. But all the employees handled all of this stuff with seemingly genuine kindness and good grace – completely reinforcing my sedative theory. Also, it made me feel a little more confident about my questionable tech skills.

While I was sitting there, lost in my own little world and plotting the next scene of my book, while wishing for a benzodiazepine mist of my own, I was approached by a Genius named Javier. And when I say approached, I mean he walked up beside me said hi, and I freaked out and jumped about three feet in the air. Because I am nothing if not super classy. Anyway, this conversation happened.

Javier: Hi, I’m Javier. What’s going on with your Mac?

Me: I’m not allowed to talk to you about anything technical. I’m just supposed to give you this letter.

Javier: *looks confused and more than a little wary*

Me: *hands him the letter and thinks maybe he needs another shot of the benzodiazepine mist to deal with me*

Javier: *reads the letter and tries valiantly not to laugh*

Me: It’s okay. You can laugh. It’s not like any of it’s not true.

Javier: *looks relieved* I can honestly say this is the first time I’ve ever gotten anything like this, but this is great.

So he plugged in the laptop and did things to it. (I don’t know what things, fair readers, for as you remember, I have the technological capacity of a 15th century peasant. Really, I think we should all just be glad I didn’t try dousing it with holy water to rid it of its demons, but whatevs.) Anyway Javier did a lot of things to the computer. And it finally started to do more things than Jen had gotten it to do.

Points for Javier.

A nearby Genius read the letter, got to the PS and very calmly looked at me and said, in the most deadpan voice possible, “If your computer is broken you’re supposed to make your appointment on the app on your phone.”

Fair enough, dude.

Finally, Javier had even more success because he discovers the computer is named TARDIS. And he did more things. There were progress bars. And partitions, and hell, I don’t even know. There were things. And stuff.

Javier: You don’t by any chance know what OS this was running, do you?

Me: *stares blankly* We’re gonna have to check with Jen for that.

*Calls Jen. Gets Jen’s voicemail. Leaves message.*

Javier: Wow. She leaves her numbers but doesn’t answer the phone. She left you like The Doctor left Amy.

Me: I was feeling more like Rose. All bereft. *Calls Jen’s cellphone. Jen rings back while I’m leaving a second message. Answer call*

Me: Were you trapped under something heavy?

Jen: I was on the other line. I’m sorry. I’ll try not to talk on the phone anymore.

Me: Okay, so Javier needs to know the OS this was running.

Jen: That would be Mountain Lion.

Me: That’s not even a thing.

Jen: Yes, it’s a thing!

Me: Are you sure this isn’t like when you lie to me and try to get me to believe stupid crap?

Jen: I’m not lying. Mountain Lion is a thing.

Javier: Mountain Lion is a thing.

Me: Oh.

Then there was some talk about Yosemite being the new one. (Apple, these are ridiculous names. You need to sit in a corner and think about your choices.) The upshot is, I now have the stupidly named Yosemite OS, but hey, it’s gotta be better than Windows 8.

Then it came time to set up the computer. Remember how it was called the TARDIS? No longer, my friends. Because Javier is awesome, he renamed it BAD WOLF.

Javier was also very patient when I asked questions like:

How do I open tabs?

Damn it, why can’t I remember my password?

Erm, do you know how to turn this thing off?

Hey, can I mention you by name when I blog about this?

Javier fixed the computer, was super awesomely patient and funny and probably deserves some sort of medal of honor. At the very least, an extra spritz of benzo mist.

And Jen? Jen is really awesome, too. It’s not everyone who would lend you a computer and protect you from having to make sense of things that hurt your brain. But, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Jen’s got the need for benzo mist covered.

And really, for Javier, it could have gone so much worse. Like the day I ruined Bill’s life. The lesson here is that we all won. Or something.

Flash Fiction: I’m a Mess

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January 19, 2015

It’s another Flash Fiction Monday, and this week, we’re taking our inspiration from the song, I’m a Mess by Ed Sheeran. This is what I came up with.

The sheet billowed up between us as we stood on either side of the bed—a rippling sea of blue and green paisley making the span of the mattress seem much wider than it was. I tucked in my side, glancing at Molly while she did the same.

The stiflingly sweet scent of the fabric softener made my nose itch. I hated that fucking little bear on the commercials, and I hated the god-awful scent of the dryer sheets. It would take days for the sheets to air out enough that I wouldn’t get a headache every time I went to bed.

“Hey, Moll?”

She paused and looked up at me. Well, it was more like she looked over my left shoulder. “Yeah?”

“Were they out of the dryer sheets that don’t smell like ass?”

Her mouth moved, but it really wasn’t a smile or a frown. “Sorry, I forgot you hate that kind. I guess I must have been in a hurry when I was shopping, and didn’t think. I’m a mess, lately.”

“No big.” I shrugged. It wasn’t worth fighting over, anyway. Actually, there wasn’t much I was willing to fight about. Not right now, anyway.

We pulled the blankets up, and while I straightened the quilt, Molly turned away and changed into her pajamas. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d come to bed naked. But as I unhooked my bra and slipped it out from under my shirt, I couldn’t remember the last time I had, either.

I crawled under the blankets while she turned out the light. I hoped that maybe she’d at least meet me in the middle, but she curled on to her side and faced the wall. I turned toward her, but got a whiff of that fucking bear and its floral death scent.

I think that’s what I hated most about the dryer sheets. It felt like being trapped in a funeral home for hours on end. My head started throbbing, and my eyes burned. Rolling to my back, I stared at the ceiling and blinked back tears. I wasn’t sure if the tears were because of the scent or because of the endless paisley chasm between us. The one that seemed to get a little wider every night.

Check out the other bloggers’ takes on the song.

Merlin Club: The Hunter’s Heart or The One Where They Introduce a Character I Really Like and Immediately Get Rid of Her

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January 16, 2015

The title of this post is, unfortunately, inaccurate. I remembered that she’s in one more episode, but it’s not enough, damn it.

Okay, so this episode opens with Gwen getting kidnapped by slavers from the village she was banished to. The slaver is in cahoots with Morgana who’s planning yet another tiresome attack on Camelot. Meanwhile, Arthur is entertaining a princess from another kingdom with whom Camelot is having a long term land dispute. He plans to marry her to solve the dispute and unite their kingdoms. Greasy Agravaine kills a page or someone loyal to Arthur in order to get his hands on some plans to give to Morgana to help her plan her attack.

Gwen overhears Morgana’s discussion with the slaver and accidentally reveals herself. She escapes and runs into the woods toward Camelot to warn Arthur while Arthur and Mithian (the princess) are having a lovely time getting to know one another, and they really like each other. Mithian is fantastic. Merlin’s having anxiety because he thinks that maybe he should prevent them from getting married because Gwen is supposed to be queen, and meanwhile everyone goes on a celebratory royal hunt.

Morgana finally runs Gwen down in the woods, and rips off Gwen’s engagement ring from Arthur and turns her into a doe. Arthur comes upon Gwen in her doe form and shoots at her, but Merlin has already figured out the deer is Gwen and magically makes Arthur miss. Mithian takes aim and hits the doe. Arthur goes to look for it and finds the rind he gave Gwen and gets all broody and the don’t go after the deer.

Merlin finds Gwen later and heals her and Gwen tell him about Morgana’s planned attack and the stolen plans etc. He begs her to come back to Camelot, but she won’t. Merlin tells Arthur about the plans and GA’s duplicity. GA has sneaked the plans back in and Arthur is pissed at Merlin for accusing his uncle.

Arthur is also emotionally conflicted. Now that he’s found Gwen’s ring, he realizes that he’s still in love with her and can’t marry Mithian. Mithian is a bit angry and sad but she does end up getting it when he explains to her. It doesn’t hurt that he gives her the contested lands.

Okay, the questions…

1.) If I’d written this episode… I think it would have Arthur less clueless about his uncle, or at the very least, Agravaine less obvious about his scheming. At this point, I don’t see how Arthur doesn’t see this.

2.) The thing I loved/hated most about this episode. I love how genuinely kind Mithian is to Merlin – unlike most of the other visiting royalty, Mithian is pretty awesome. I loved the chemistry between Mithian and Arthur. And I loved that he gave her the disputed land *and* explained that he was in love with someone else rather than sending her off with no explanation. I really hated literally everything about Agravaine.

3.) Something you never noticed about this episode before. When Gwen told Merlin Morgana had enchanted her, it didn’t make him think even for a second that perhaps she’d also been enchanted during the whole Lancelot fiasco.

4.) Favorite costume. Don’t really have one this week. Mithian’s riding habit wasn’t bad, but I would have loved to have seen it in a better (for her) color and different fabric.

5.) Here is some proof of some random head canon I’ve created. Nothing this week.

6.) What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? I think when Arthur was so conflicted and he genuinely asked Merlin for help in figuring out what to do, because he genuinely expresses how much he values Merlin’s counsel.

7.) What made Jen lose her shit – in a good or bad way? Missing Merlin Club entirely because she wandered away and got high and played Mario Cart and completely forgot what day it was.

Here’s Jess‘ take on the episode, and here’s Jen’s

I would rather chew broken glass wrapped in tin foil than…

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January 14, 2015

So this week, we’re talking about our Anti Bucket List – things that we never, ever, ever want to do. Ever.

These are in no particular order, but I never want to…

Go to Vegas. Call me boring, but this just holds no appeal for me. It sounds completely overstimulating and overwhelming, and I think I’d be rocking in a corner somewhere. Yes…I know they have all kinds of cool shows and stuff, but oh god…the lights and the noise and the people. The idea of that just makes me want to turn off all the lights and sit quietly in a dark room.

Explore a Tropical Rain Forest. Dude. They have spiders the size of small dogs there. And also lots of hideous, ginormous bugs, and unimaginable heat and humidity. None of these are things I would even remotely enjoy. Especially, the giant soul-sucking spiders. (I assume they grow so large be feeding on souls.) Besides, there are plenty of other places I’d rather go.

Go to Australia. I was all about going there. Until I saw the size of the spiders they have there. No. Fucking. Thank. You.

Cliff diving, bungee jumping, skydiving, mountain climbing. Nothing up high. Nothing that requires falling or jumping. I mean, I’m great at falling. So great, it’s practically my mutant ability. I also have vertigo. And I’m clumsy. And afraid of heights. A couple of summers ago my mom and sister and I went to see Fleetwood Mac at a big stadium. I thought I was going to die climbing to our seats. I had to hang on to my mom’s shirt and stare straight at the middle of her back to make it up and down the stairs without getting dizzy and falling over. So yeah – anything like this? No way.

Confront my phobias with desensitization therapy. This seems like the worst idea ever. I’m perfectly content living with my fear of clowns, spiders and being buried alive.

I’m sure there are more things that I don’t ever want to do, but these are the ones that popped into my head first. Click the names below to see the other bloggers’ Anti-Bucket Lists.

Merlin Club: Herald of a New Age or The One Where Elyan Sees Dead People and Doesn’t Like it One Bit

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January 9, 2015

This episode opens with the Arthur, Merlin and the knights in the woods behaving like obnoxious junior high schoolers and playing Keep Away with with water flasks, and Elyan is thirsty. They continue riding and stumble across a shrine in the forest – there a bits of cloth everywhere tied on ropes and branches, crystals and charms and there are (I think) wind chime noises tinkling. It’s supposed to look all spooky and foreboding, but frankly, it just looks like a bunch of hippies had a drum circle there, then got high and wandered away. (My people!)

Merlin is all freaked out and telling them they should leave and finally, after mocking him, they do. But Elyan, victim of Water Flask Keep Away is thirsty and drinks water from some sort of cistern or well. After drinking the water, he sees an image of a creepy looking boy in the water, wigs out and leaves.

That night, Elyan tries to sleep, but the boy from the well keeps appearing to him and freaking him the fuck out.

The next morning Merlin goes to wake up Arthur and discovers that he’s fallen asleep in a plate of stew and is inordinately pleased about it. Arthur figures out Merlin was teasing him and sets him up to be the shield bearer on the practice field where Elyan goes berserk. Later, he keeps seeing the boy and ends up catatonic.

The boy finally speaks to Elyan and tells him not to be afraid and that all he wants is his death avenged. Elyan, under the control of the spirit at this point, tries to kill Arthur. Arthur fights him, but ends up letting him go because he recognizes that Elyan is not himself when he speaks with the voice of a child.

Gaius and Merlin go to the shrine and figure out that it was the site of an attack on a druid camp. And that the spirit wants its death avenged.

Elyan is eventually caught and thrown in the dungeon. Agravaine lobbies loudly and annoyingly for Elyan’s death and everyone thinks he’s attacked Arthur because he’s angry that Arthur has banished his sister, Gwen. Merlin breaks him out and plans to bring him back to the shrine to break the spell. Elyan knocks out Merlin and goes back to the castle to kill Arthur.

Gaius tells Arthur that the shrine was the site of one of Uther’s druid slaughters and the only thing that will stop the spirit that’s possessed Elyan is killing Elyan. Merlin sees him creeping out and follows (of course) him to the shrine.

Elyan (still possessed) steps out and Arthur confesses that the boy’s death was his fault. He apologizes and claims responsibility for the slaughter of the camp when he was young and stupid and trying to prove himself. He says that he told his men not to kill women and children, but he knows that not all listened. Arthur cries and kneels down, ready to accept death if that’s what the spirit decides. But the spirit, using Elyan’s body, hugs him and says, “I forgive you.” Then the spirit leaves Elyan.

The next day, Merlin tells him that he likes this new softer, gentler side of the king and wants to know if they’ll be seeing more of that. Arthur is annoyed, so Merlin follows it up be asking for a hug. This doesn’t go well – except in Jess’ head.

Okay, the questions…

1.) If I’d written this episode… I dunno…less Agravaine? But that’s kind of a given in any episode, I suppose.

2.) The thing I loved/hated most about this episode. Unlike the last few episodes, I don’t have terribly strong feelings about this one. I did really enjoy Merlin being so delighted about Arthur waking up in a plateful of stew. And I really loved Arthur owning up to the slaughter. And crying. Yes. I enjoyed watching Bradley James shed a few tears. I’m premenstrual. Sue me. And as always, I loathe every time Greasy Agravaine is on screen. Hell, I even loathe when he takes a breath because I know I’m going to have to listen to him.

3.) Something you never noticed about this episode before. How much deeper Colin Morgan’s voice sounded than usual.

4.) Favorite costume. Arthur in the blue hooded cloak when he sneaks off to the shrine. He should wear blue more often. This isn’t a great pic, but you’ll just have to trust me.

5.) Here is some proof of some random head canon I’ve created. Nothing this week.

6.) What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? The whole Arthur waking up in stew scene (and Merlin’s unspoken offer to lick it off him) or Merlin asking for a hug.

7.) What made Jen lose her shit – in a good or bad way? Twitter breaking and making it impossible to tweet Merlin Club.

Here’s Jess‘ take on the episode, and here’s Jen’s

A Few of My Favorite Things – Superheroes

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January 7, 2015

This week the Wednesday Randomness topic is favorite superheroes. Let’s see how this goes. Oh, and click on the names of the other bloggers below to see their favorite superheros.

I decided to do favorite female superheroes, because that’s what kinda mood I’m in. So, without further ado, some of my favorite superheroes – and as usual, they’re in no particular order.

Princess Leia has been one of my faves ever since I was a little girl. Okay, yeah, she doesn’t have any superpowers, but she’s smart, she’s brave and she fights against tyranny. That’s pretty much awesome as far as I’m concerned.

Storm, aka Ororo Munroe, is one of my favorite X-Men. Her mutant ability is weather control and she’s all about fighting for peace and equality between mutants and humans. Plus she controls the weather. If I had her power, it would be spring all ready.

Katniss Everdeen – no super powers, but she’s a damn good shot and super resourceful. While Katniss isn’t always likable, she’s almost always heroic – albeit, at times, reluctantly. She doesn’t do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do (at least not in the beginning) she does the right thing to protect the people she loves. She was thrust into a position of leadership and eventually grows to accept it.

Donna Noble – again, no actual super powers, but she is probably my very favorite of the Doctor’s companions. Donna is awesome for a lot of reasons. One: she’s *not* there to be all swoony over the Doctor. Two: She thinks and acts independently of the Doctor. Three: She totally saved his ass at the risk of destroying her own. Four: She’s willing to sacrifice herself for those she loves. Five: She’s snarky as fuck and also a little bitchy.

Buffy Summers – the very first person I thought of when the superheroes topic came up. Buffy does have some handy powers to help her on her way – she is The Slayer, after all. So, she’s got that whole increased, strength, speed, agility and stamina going. But she’s also clever, brave, determined, sarcastic, a snappy dresser, and willing to sacrifice herself for those she loves. (I’m seeing a theme here…) Buffy is by no means perfect. She’s got her flaws, but I adore her. She saved the world. A lot.

Check out the other bloggers favorite superheroes by clinking on their names.

Flash Fiction #1 – Man in Ice an Cave

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January 5, 2015

With the new year, we’re doing some new things. Wednesday Random posts will still be a regular feature as will Merlin Club until we run out of episodes – at which point, we’ll take a short break and move on to the next series. But we’re also including some new features – stretching our writing muscles, so to speak. One of the things we’re doing are flash fiction pieces based on a photo.

In the past, I’ve been invited to participate in blogging challenges like this – but I never had the guts. The idea of writing a short (or in this case) a super short and tossing it out on the internet was far too terrifying. But, last year, I did a pretty good job of moving beyond some of the stuff that scares the crap out of me. And this year, I’d like to do even more. So, without further ado, I give you this dude in an ice cave. Oh, and be sure to check out the other bloggers’ stories about this dude by clicking the names below.

Kyle Drummond stood at the mouth of the cave, mangled, iron spear clutched in his hand. He glanced at the weapon and grimaced. Not that it would be much good against the creatures that roamed the wilderness outside the questionable sanctuary of his makeshift shelter, but it was all he had.

When the storm hit, he’d had no other choice but to weather it in the barren, darkness of the ice cave. This was the last place he wanted to be. The cold sank into his bones, and the shadows silently clawed at him with nearly as much force as the creatures outside would if they could get to him.

Thus far, they hadn’t been able to reach him, but that would change if he were to cross the threshold. For the most part, they seemed to be attracted to movement, though he was sure some of them could probably smell fear, too. Unless he could scrape together his courage to leave, he’d be trapped in the cave forever, and he was quickly running out of provisions.

Crossing that invisible line from darkness to light took more strength than he was sure he had. He shifted his grip on his weapon and tried to step clear of the opening. At this point, he was holding it more for the illusion of strength than actual strength. As his foot hovered above the earth, one of the creatures in the distance moved. Its head snapped up, pinning him with its dead-eyed stare. Kyle slowly backed up, and closed the door.

Peering though the square, glass window set high up in the wood, he stared at the outside world. His neighborhood looked the same as it ever did—peacefully unassuming. Sprinklers whirred over lush, green lawns spitting out drops of rainbow hued water glistening in the sun. The neighbor kid rode his Big Wheel up and down the sidewalk in front of Kyle’s house, and the guy at the end of the street was polishing his midlife crisis-mobile for the third time that week.

Kyle looked down at the empty bottle of Xanax clutched in his hand, the tiny letters neatly spelling his name, the dosage, and the words “No Refills.”

Merlin Club: Lancelot du Lac or The One Where the Writers Fuck Over All the Women on the Show

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January 2, 2015

I am really, really not a fan of this episode. I might hate it just as much as last week’s. Actually, I think I hate it even more. So this recap will likely be really short.

The basic story line is that Arthur decides that he’s going to propose to Gwen despite the fact that she’s a commoner and informs his uncle, Greasy Agravaine, of that fact. GA immediately, as Morgana’s greasy lapdog, runs to tell her. Arthur proposes anyway, and it’s lovely.

Morgana devises a plan to ruin Gwen by bringing Lancelot back from dead to ruin Arthur and Gwen’s relationship. It doesn’t work, so she has to add a magical enchanted bracelet to the mix that makes Gwen horny for Lancelot.

Merlin figures out that something is messed up and deduces that Lancelot is a shade – a copy of a dead person – using his handy dandy shade detector spell. He thinks Lancelot has been sent to kill Arthur, but finally figures out something else is going on.

When Lancelot and Gwen meet to make out, GA alerts Arthur and Arthur discovers them.

He attacks Lancelot but Gwen breaks up the sword fight, and Arthur has Gwen thrown into the dungeon where she comes to her senses when she removes the bracelet that had been a gift from Lancelot. But the damage is done. Lancelot, under Morgana’s orders commits suicide. Arthur who’s emotionally gutted, banishes Gwen (also emotionally gutted) and sends Lancelot off to be properly laid to rest.

Meanwhile no one ever knows that Gwen was enchanted or that Lancelot wasn’t really Lancelot.

Okay…the questions!

1.) If I’d written this episode… So. Many. Things. But, the biggest thing is that I wouldn’t have made Morgana irretrievably stupid. She has this giant magical coin from her sister Morgause that, used properly,will grant any wish. What does she wish for? To create a shade of Lancelot to fuck things up for Gwen and Arthur. Seriously. You’ve got the chance to wish for anything, and you wish for something that will create a lameass plot twist when you could wish to be queen of Camelot? Or perhaps to restore magic to Camelot? Any of the effing things you want to happen, you could wish for, but no. You wish for the shade of a dead guy that your future sister-in-law once had the hots for.

There was an easy fix for this fuckery, Merlin writing team. You could have just made it so the magic raised shades to do the bidding of the living. There are all kinds of single use magical artifacts floating around Camelot. Why not that? Why write Morgana, who in the beginning of the series was a highly intelligent person, to be so insanely short-sighted and lacking when it comes to implementing her evil plans? Did she suffer a closed head injury during her last fight with Merlin that you forgot to tell us about? (Though, granted, she’d been making poor fucking choices before then.) OMG – I am so angry over sloppy, shitty writing. I’m so angry that I must use the “Real sick of your shit” Merlin picture.

2.) The thing I loved/hated most about this episode. Hated: I hated Greasy Agravaine, but that’s not new. Really, hated his disturbing, almost sexually aroused, smile when he handed Lancelot the note from Morgana ordering him to kill himself. (If only she’d give one to Agravaine.) I loathed that no one bothered to figure out that Gwen was enchanted. In any other episode, Merlin and Gaius would have been all over that shit. Even if Gaius were willing to ignore the obvious (as he so often is) Merlin would have figured it the fuck out. But no. The writers chose (for no apparent reason) to put blinders on Merlin. Also loathed that once afuckingain, no one bothered to tell Arthur the truth about what went down. So he goes to his eventual grave thinking that the love of his life and one of his best friends betrayed him. I’m sure there’s more I hated, but this is plenty for this rant. Loved: Arthur’s proposal and Gwen’s acceptance – just lovely.

3.) Something you never noticed about this episode before. Gwen was wearing her same cape, jacket thing that I love so much when she leaves Camelot.

4.) Favorite costume. Sorry kids, gotta go with Gwen’s cape jacket cloak thing again this week.

5.) Here is some proof of some random head canon I’ve created. Nothing this week. Other than the writers are fuckwits who are out to destroy all the women of Camelot. And also Greasy Agravaine has a really unhealthy, possible D/s relationship with Morgana as his domme. (Which should not be interpreted as all D/s relationships are unhealthy. But this one is.”

6.) What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? Man – there wasn’t much at all this week. Maybe when Merlin was trying to talk Arthur into forgiving Gwen and putting aside his own happiness in hope’s of his boyfriend’s happiness.

7.) What made Jen lose her shit – in a good or bad way? The writer’s insistence at turning Morgana into a damn idiot.

Here’s Jess‘ take on the episode, and here’s Jen’s