Bronwyn Green

Okay, so it’s the start of the final season – season five. And it’s several years past the end of season four.

There’s a meeting of the Round Table, and for some reason, even though Merlin was an original member of the Round Table, he’s not allowed to sit at it anymore. I guess ’cause Arthur’s being a jerk. Gwaine and Percival and some other knights were on a quest and they’ve vanished – mostly because it seems like they wandered onto the Game of Thrones set.

But no – they were attacked my Morgana’s men, kidnapped and forced to work in the mines to find the Diamir. The Diamir is the Key to all Knowledge and will be Arthur’s Bane – as we hear endlessly throughout the two episodes. The upside here is that there’s some serious fan service for people like me. This translates into another episode of shirtless Gwaine. Judge me all you want.

Morgana is crazypants and short sighted as usual, but now she’s hooked up with a druid who’s hell bent on destroying Arthur and Camelot. You know…like nearly everyone else in Britain. Druid dude’s daughter somehow worked her way up the ranks to become Gwen’s personal servant. And she’s of course spying for Daddy Dearest.

She gets info to her father about the route Arthur is taking to rescue his men. On the way there, they find a bunch of dead villagers and one that was only mostly dead warns Merlin about Arthur’s doom and Merlin sees a vision that shows Mordred (all grown up) killing Arthur in battle. After they bury the dead, they continue traveling by way of Queen Annis’ lands which is lovely, because I adore her. So there’s a visit there and after a rest, they head out only to be attacked by Morgana’s men. I don’t understand how people keep aligning themselves with her. She’s a lousy tactician.

Leon and Elyan escape and a bunch of the knights get dragged to Morgana’s mines to continue the search for the Diamir (even though no one knows what it is) and Arthur and Merlin get away. They spend the night cuddled, or you know huddled together, and Merlin tries to convince Arthur to abandon the search and Arthur isn’t having and tells Merlin that he’ll rescue them or die trying. Merlin says that he’ll die protecting Arthur. And they have a tender moment.

These tender feelings last until Merlin gets them both trapped in a snare. Arthur is furious and them Merlin manages to drop Arthurs sword and Morgana’s men find them in the morning and lo and behold Mordred is with them. They get carted off with the other slaves, though Mordred does use his influence to spare their lives at least until they get to Morgana’s place.

We find out through Morgana’s bad dreams that she was held prisoner in a well with Aithusa (remember the dragon) for two years. Not sure why or who or captured them, but there it is. However Aithusa is safely in the castle with Morgana now.

Meanwhile Leon and Elyan return to Camelot, tell Gwen what’s up, Gwen figures out that her serving girl is the spy and has her sentenced to death hoping to draw out the girl’s father. It works, he tries to rescue her and ends up mortally wounded.

Back in the mines, Gwaine sees something – a bad CGI glowy alien kinda something and follows it deeper into a cavern. Some guards spot him and kick the shit out of him. And after they leave the creepy CGI glowy alien dude heals Gwaine.

Arthur and Merlin escape from the slavers and Merlin is pissed because Arthur won’t shoot Mordred when he comes after them. But they sneak into Morgana’s stronghold and into the mine where they round up the knights and start an uprising. Merlin and Arthur find Gwaine and the Diamir. Gwaine convinces them it’s a friend and they leave the Diamir and try to find the rest of the knights.

Merlin stays behind to distract the dragon so Arthur can get Gwaine to Percival while Merlin’s trying to get control of Aithusa who Morgana’s unleashed in the mine. Morgana traps Arthur and toys with him instead of just straight up killing him. Mordred is at her side weighing his options.

Merlin finds Aithusa, commands her to stop torching people. Aithusa wants to be by Merlin, but can’t communicate with him. And I hate this scene because Aithusa is that poor puppy that follows people and the people yell and tell it to go home. It’s the worst. And I get that Merlin can’t very well bring a dragon back to Camelot with him, but damn. Call Killgareh – do something. But no. Let’s just abandon this dragon to Morgana.

Speaking of Morgana, she’s still taunting Arthur with his imminent death when Merlin races back to save him. She throws Merlin against the rock walls and knocks him out and just as she’s about to finally kill Arthur, Mordred stabs her in the back.

Mordred leads Arthur out and the Diamir heals Merlin and Merlin asks what Arthur’s Bane is. Spiler alert: it’s himself. He’s his own biggest enemy. Like all of us, really.

Back at Camelot, Arthur knights Mordred, Merlin continues to remain suspicious of Mordred, Gaius pooh-poohs Merlins concerns, and Morgana stumbles into the wilderness to continue to plot Arthur’s death. Like usual.

 

Okay, the questions…

1.)  If I’d written this episode… I don’t think I would have made the Diamir look like a vaguely humanoid jellyfish. Actually, I’m not sure I would have included it in the plot at all. Okay, fine – give Morgana a different excuse to force Gwaine into hard labor. It could have been anything, but a supernatural creature that’s the last of it’s kind and hiding down there for centuries or however long, seems like maybe they had some money left in their CGI budget and were looking for an excuse to use it. Or, perhaps more likely, someone’s kid was interning on the show and dabbled with computer animation.

2.) The thing I loved/hated most about this episode. Okay, look. I’d like to think that I don’t even have to answer this question, but here, I will. Eoin Macken doing manual labor in the mines. I don’t care how shallow and terrible that makes me. I’m just gonna own that shit. I really hated sad puppy Aithusa. That was awful. I also hate that Morgana has been reduced to a giant pile of crazypants.

3.) Something you never noticed about this episode before. That some of Camelot’s guard are pretty casual about standing at attention. Also, in keeping with the fruit theme of life at Camelot, Morgana has fruit. But only apples that she can peel aggressively. No grapes for for her. Or pears. Just apples.

4.) Favorite costume. I bet you thought I was just gonna post another shirtless pic of Gwaine, huh? Okay, I totally am. But I’m also fond of the druid girl’s dress. So there.

5.) Here is some proof of some random head canon I’ve created. Nothing this week. Other than Morgana would have probably been in a better mood had she and Gwaine gotten some of that sexual tension out of their systems.

6.) What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? Definitely Merlin and Arthur cwtching up together for warm and Merlin vowing to lay down his life for Arthur. Also…there’s this.

7.) What made Jen lose her shit  – in a good or bad way? The weird, unnecessary, jellyfish alien of knowledge.

 

Here’s Jess‘ take on the episode,  and here’s Jen’s

 

This is likely going to be a super short recap this week because I’m utterly swamped.

But anyway…

Despite the fact that the Old Religion is banned in Camelot, they’re having a Beltane feast anyway because nothing says Camelot Abhors Paganism like a good old fashioned celebration of everyone’s favorite fertility rite.

During the feast, Greasy Agravaine lets Morgana and Band of Merry Mercenaries into the lower town and they torch it. And we learn that Agravaine is a cool guy who doesn’t look at explosions. Camelot is overrun, Arthur is wounded, and it’s only a matter of time until Morgana’s men find him. Arthur refuses to leave his people, and Gaius, who’s treating the wounded is all out of his super effective roofie potions, so Merlin discreetly magics Arthur unconscious and he and Leon and Percival escape with Arthur. Gwaine stays behind to protect Gaius and to give Merlin enough time to get Arthur out of the castle. Arthur, Merlin, and Percival meet up with Elyan in the in woods outside Camelot where they’re pursued by Morgana’s men. Merlin and Arthur get separated and Elyan gets captured and tortured by Morgana because she gets off on it.

Merlin discovers that, as a side effect of his spell, Arthur is incredibly docile. And a little…slow. Okay, he’s more like a halfwit. Merlin insists that Arthur change out of his king clothes and wear some peasant-y clothes. They’re ill-fitting – no…really ill-fitting. And they also meet and take refuge with a couple secondary characters – Tristan and Isolde – smugglers who hate the King of Camelot. Don’t get me started on their names…

They’re set upon by Morgana’s Band of Merry Mercenaries and flee to Eialdor – Merlin’s hometownvillage. There, Arthur’s and Islode’s wounds are tended and Arthur discovers that Gwen is living in Eialdor. They’re attacked again by the mercenary army, led by Agravaine and Arthur finally realizes that Merlin was right all along and Greasy Agravaine is a piece of shit.

As they’re fleeing, Merlin calls the dragon who destroys the majority of the mercenary army while Merlin leads Arthur, Gwen, Tristan and Isolde through a series of caves. He doubles back to call the dragon and have him check for the survivors and come up with a plan to restore Arthurs flagging confidence.

After the dragon leaves Merlin is set upon by Agravaine. They have a little chat and Agravaine figures out Merlin has magic and has all along and Merlin magically throws him into the cave wall a couple times and kills the bastard in the least satisfying way possible. But whatevs. He’s dead, I guess. And now, I don’t have to listen to his shit anymore.  It’s something. I’ll take it.

Back at Camelot, Morgana’s been torturing Gaius, Elyan and Gwaine for information on Arthur’s whereabouts, and making Gwaine fight (shirtless, of course) for food to feed Gaius. Honestly, the writers should have done us all a favor and had some straight up hate sex between Gwaine and Morgana. But no.  Just fighting for bits of some sort of quiche in a bread bowl thing that looks like it came from Panera.

Back in the forest, Merlin, having snuck out previously to round up the remaining villagers per the dragon’s villager locating program, leads Arthur to where Excalibur is stuck in the stone while telling him a story about he who pulls the sword from the stone is meant to be king blah blah blah. But he talks Arthur into trying it. And uses his magic to discreetly help Arthur remove the sword. Tristan and Isolde finally decide that the new king is okay with them after all and they join Arthur’s cause.

At some point, Merlin has put on his magical Dragoon/Emrys aging spell and crept back into the castle to put some kid of spell poppet under Morgana’s bed.  Then it’s time to take Camelot back. They storm the castle, remaining knights and peasants alike – and also King, servant and King’s former fiancee – everyone’s in on ousting Morgana. Percival frees Gwain, Elyan and Gaius. Everyone else fights their way through the rest of Morgana’s Band of Merry Mercenaries to find Morgana in the throne room. Morgana tries to use her magic on them, but it fails miserably (thanks to the poppet under the bed) and she runs while everyone else fights.

They eventually win, Isolde gets mortally wounded saving Arthur’s life and Gwen runs into Morgana and they fight, but Merlin eventually saves Gwen’s life because god forbid a woman in this show fucking save herself.

Arthur and Gwen make up (and marry off screen) and the season ends with Gwen’s coronation and Morgana unconscious and alone in the forest and the arrival of Aithusa who breathes dragon breath on her and revives her.

Okay, the questions…

1.)  If I’d written this episode… I would not have named Tristan and Isolde Tristan and Isolde. This was a lame ass attempt to work in more characters from Celtic mythos and it’s a lame as fuck attempt. Also, don’t introduce characters that you want us to care about two episodes before the end of the season. I know they were meant to be a parallel to Arthur and Gwen, to help motivate Arthur to forgive Gwen. But just NO. If they were going to introduce these characters for this purpose, they should have had them be recurring characters through out the season instead of this last minute bullshit.

2.) The thing I loved/hated most about this episode. I adored Village Idiot Arthur. I loved that Greasy Agravaine is finally fucking dead. I loved the beginning – Merlin was putting another hole in Arthur’s belt claiming it was one hole shy of perfection and Arthur accuses him of calling him fat while he’s standing there with no pants on.

3.) Something you never noticed about this episode before. All the damn fruit in Arthur’s chambers when he’s getting ready to go to a damn feast. Why do you have all those grapes, Arthur!? Maybe there’s a reason your belt is one hole shy of perfection.

4.) Favorite costume. Pretty sure Gwaine’s abs can be considered a costume.

5.) Here is some proof of some random head canon I’ve created. Nothing this week.

6.) What Merthur moment did Jess have the naughtiest thoughts about? Please note the lack of pants. I feel certain that Jess’ version of this scene ended somewhat differently. Of course, there’s also the heart to heart Merlin had with Arthur by the fire when he was the Village Idiot. And the fact that Merlin was being a bit bossy and Arthur falling in line like a good sub. Yeah. I bet that was it. But I’m leaving pantless Arthur up here anyway.

7.) What made Jen lose her shit  – in a good or bad way? Oh, in a bad way – the inclusion of Tristan and Isolde as secondary side characters and the fact that Aithusia is just wandering the damn woods and falling in with evil sorceresses. Shouldn’t the be someone looking after that damn dragon?

Here’s Jess‘ take on the episode,  and here’s Jen’s