Bronwyn Green

The Corner of Quirky & Kinky

So, this post is meant to be the annual look back at 2016 and a look ahead at goals for 2017.

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I think Helen Mirren said it well. For me, this year has pretty much sucked endless ass–particularly on the professional, cultural, social and political fronts. But for the sake of this post (and my mental health) I’m just going to focus on my own professional issues.

The short version of this post is: I feel like I’ve failed miserably on the professional front and I hate everything.

Here’s how everything shook out.

I’d planned to write 5 books and 36 pieces of flash fiction.

I wrote 36 pieces of flash fiction, 3 short stories, and  1 book–1 book that I dearly love. And then? I was stupid enough to release it four days prior to what may have been the most contentious, awful election in all of U.S. history. Way to think that through, Bron.

I’d planned to write all 76 scheduled blog posts.

I actually did that – plus 35 more for a total of 111 blog posts. So, that was good.

And Jess and I did start our newsletter, finally. So, that’s good, too.

So that ended up being:

Writing: 89,471 words

Blogging: 77,482 words

Client Editing: 1,431,892 words

That’s a far cry from last year, but it’s also not zero, so…

And to be fair, I don’t hate everything. But I do hate the stress, anxiety, depression, and fear that have been my constant companions for the last 12 months. I’m usually a fairly positive person, but worry and grief over world and cultural events (as well as a few personal ones) have made that more than a little difficult.

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But, ultimately, my family and friends are safe and sound and whole and mostly well, and for me, that’s the most important thing.

So, my goals for this coming year are:

Get a handle on the negativity that’s seems to be plaguing me.

Do what I can to affect positive change in the world–even if they’re only small things.

Write day and night like I’m running out of time.

How about you – what are your goals?

Be sure to check out the other bloggers’ goals: Gwen and Jessica.

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I feel like I could just copy my last year’s holiday post (and the year before that, and the year before that, and probably the year before that one, too) which I believe went something like:

Oh my god, how are there only X days ’til Christmas? I still have a mountain of sewing and cross stitching to do!

So…yeah…

Oh my god! How are there only three days until Christmas?! I still have to cross stitch and sew and knit all the things!

I sincerely hope that you guys all have your shit together better than I do, because holy hell, I’m behind.

No matter what you celebrate (or don’t celebrate) I’m wishing you all very Happy Holidays and a Happy Weekend! And if we could get a little peace on earth, that would be super, too. You can check out Gwen’s holiday greeting, here.

 

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It’s time for the last song fic of the year, and this month’s song is It Takes Two  by Katy Perry. Here’s a link to the video, and here’s the link to the lyrics.

“Seriously?!”

I glared at the term’s final psych paper that refused to send no matter how many times I typed and retyped my professor’s email address or how many times I attached the file. Glancing out the window at the blowing snow, I sighed. The last thing I wanted to do was go out in a raging blizzard, but I needed to get my paper turned in.

I flipped on the printer and sent the the file to it. Nothing. I repeated the action. Nothing. I turned it off and on. Still nothing. I slammed the keyboard drawer back into the desk then shoved it in again when it popped back out at me.

Goddamn it. Now, I was going to have to not only drive to campus to drop off the paper, I was also going to have to find a printer in the student union that actually worked, print the file there and then deliver it to my prof…all by the three o’clock deadline. I had  forty-two minutes. Disengaging my flashdrive, I shoved it in my pocket and immediately got a papercut from the check stub I shoved in there earlier. “Can’t one fucking thing in my life go right, for once?”

“What do you expect when you send that attitude out into the universe?”

Instead of responding, I flipped off my boyfriend turned zen master. Of course, he didn’t notice, he was too busy becoming one with all that is with the X-Box and whatever bullshit game he was into now.

I couldn’t decide what was worse–his gaming addiction or the fact that he’d discovered the self-help section at the library.

Pushing my feet into my boots, I yanked my winter coat off the back of the chair and managed to scratch the back of my hand with the metal zipper that was far sharper than it should have been. “Fuck this day already,” I muttered.

Benji looked away from the TV, and his brow furrowed in  confusion. “Where are you going?”

“To campus. To print my paper. So I, you know…don’t fail my class. Ringing any bells?” I walked toward the door and pulled on my mittens.

He glanced back at the TV and resumed playing his game. “I wouldn’t bother.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“All the trouble you’re having with the computer, the printer–you’re not going to get your paper turned in on time, anyway. Might as well stay inside where it’s warm. Mercury’s in retrograde.”

I just blinked at him. “Mercury’s…”

“In retrograde,” he finished, focusing on his game. “It affects all forms of communication.”

I pulled on my hat. “You don’t say.”

If he heard the sarcasm in my tone, he gave no sign.

“Yep. Electronic. Verbal. Written–hell, even if you get that paper printed, you’ll probably fail, anyway.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Mercury in retrograde is a bitch.”

I marched over to where the X-Box was plugged in and yanked the cord out of the wall. “Yeah. Me, too.”

Welp, I think I’m the only one this week, and that’s it for flash fic for me this year. But we’ll be back next year with more prompts and more short stories. Thanks for reading!

Promptly Penned

It’s the last Promptly Penned of the year – yeah, I don’t know how that’s possible, either. Here’s the prompt, and my story’s down below.

It’s odd how life is rarely about those big important choices, but hinges on the small stupid choices you didn’t even realize were choices until it was too late.

 

Pink or blue?

Chocolate or vanilla?

Wheat or white?

Cake or pie?

Apple or cherry?

The waitress stopped at my table and pulled a handful of those little non-dairy creamer containers from the stained pocket of her apron and dropped them on the table–the plastic and liquid rattling strangely against the formica.

“I’ll be back with your pie, hon.”

I forced a smile. “Thanks.”

Coffee or tea?

Cream or sugar?

Dumping five of the little creamers into my coffee, I watched as the clouds billowed upward, swallowing the inky darkness.

Paper or plastic?

Pencil or pen?

Right or left?

Diet or regular?

I reached for the Sweet ‘n Low then changed course and grabbed the sugar container instead.

As she walked away, my dad came in from outside, his rig parked at the far end of the diner’s parking lot. He leaned over and kissed the top of my head before sliding into the molded plastic bench across from me.

Top or bottom?

Up or down?

Happy or sad?

It’s odd how life is rarely about those big important choices, but hinges on the small stupid choices you didn’t even realize were choices until it was too late.

“What’s so important that you wanted to talk to me in the middle of a haul, Abby-girl?” he asked as he glanced over a plastic laminated menu that had a sticky-looking jam smear across the front.

I shrugged. “Can’t a girl just want to spend some time with her dad?”

His eyebrows rose ,and he looked at me over the top of his menu.

Cash or credit?

Good or bad?

Boys or girls?

I took a sip of my still too-hot coffee and scalded my tongue. Quickly gulping the metallic-tasting tap water, I tried to cool the burn and figure out how to approach it.

“Abs?” he asked. “You okay?”

I closed my eyes. “Kevin and I broke up. I’m pregnant, and Katie and I are getting married. We don’t want anything from you, except for you to be there.” My words left me in a rush, and I cracked open my eyes.

He nodded once then turned to the waitress who was wiping down the counter. “When you get a second, hon, I’m gonna need a lotta  coffee–black. Oh, and all the coconut cream pie you got.”

She nodded, and he turned back to me. “Okay, how about you start at the beginning.”

That’s it for me this week, but please be sure to check out Jessica and Kris‘ stories.

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It’s time for another Nostalgic Notes were we look back at the stuff we’re…you know… nostalgic about. Some of these will be from my childhood and some from my kids’ because nostalgia – I’m rife with it.

Lemme introduce you to my childhood. I feel like the revelation that my mom was a great big hippie will come as no surprise as we look at items one and two on this list.

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In case you’re wondering WTF, this is the Sunshine Family – Stephanie, Steve, and their baby, Sweets. Sadly, there weren’t a lot of clothing options for Stephanie, Steve, and Sweets. They were too small and too normal-bodied for Barbie clothes. But, I liked them. You could also get the grandparents and extra babies. (The extra babies were very important if you were me.) And I did like that they also made a black Sunshine Family. Granted, their features were the same as the white dolls, but I guess, at least, Matel was trying for inclusion in the 70s?

I didn’t have any of these dolls. Only the original family, and this amazing piece of hippiness. That’s right, people, the Sunshine Family had their own fucking  CRAFT STORE! (Side note: I wonder if this is why I’ve been obsessed with all the crafts for as long as I can remember. Probably not. But, I still find this delightfully hilarious. Also, the entire craft store smelled like new baby doll. (I still love that smell.) Because vinyl. Probably not the best material to make a counter culture doll store out of. But, you know, mass production.

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Next we come to my original Star Wars figures which I no longer have because life and younger siblings can be cruel. But I had Leia, R2D2, 3PO, and a couple jawas. One of my brothers had Han, Luke, Ben, Chewie, Darth Vader a couple stormtroopers and some sand people. I was always jealous of his Han Solo action figure.

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Now, on to some of my my kids’ toys. I used to do daycare. It was, most days, an awesome job, but I’m one of those weirdos who actually likes other people’s kids in addition to my own. (Unless the kids are like The Young Prince. I’m not having that shit.)  Anyway, this was one of the games we’d often play (after everything else was picked up and the clean up song had been sung – “Put it Away” to the tune of the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Give it Away”) because no one wants legos embedded in their feet while playing Elefun.

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Captain Kitty and KittyBestFriend were my kids’ favorite stuffed animals. They have oversized, almost hydrocephalic looking heads that are hollow and there’s a ball, or maybe balls, inside that rolls around and makes them sound like they’re purring.

Corwin and Captain Kitty and Killian and KittyBestFriend

Speaking of Captain Kitty, I’m super nostalgic about this Captain Kitty costume I made Corwin so he could match Captain Kitty (we played a lot of dress up, so costumes are toys) and the giant Mega Blok castle that was Corwin and Captain Kitty’s lair.

Corwin Captain Kitty and Castle

Both of my kids were fascinated by pirates, but Corwin was especially so. So, for his birthday, one year, he got the S.S. Argh. The company that made these ships had a thing where you could get whatever you wanted printed on the sail. Their example photos said things like Captain Peter’s Ship or the S.S. Brandon. I like to think they giggled when they got our order.

Next up, in the Toy Nostalgia Parade are these blocks. My kids loved the troll blocks and the tree blocks.

And no nostalgic toy list is complete without my daughters obsessively huge Harry Potter Lego collection. (This is just one set.) Also not pictured are the Star Wars, LOTR, Pirates of the Caribbean, and a zillion other sets.

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And her Harry Potter costume. killian-hp

What were some of your favorite toys? Oh, and be sure to check out the other bloggers’ lists! DeelylahGwen, Kellie, and Paige.

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It’s time for the last photo flash fic of the year. I don’t even know how that’s possible. What the hell, man?

“Seriously, Maggie. Why can’t you just do your Christmas shopping at the mall like a normal person?”

I rolled my eyes at my brother, Aaron. “Because it needs to be perfect.”

“Perfection is overrated,” he muttered as he turned down one of the narrow downtown streets filled with indie art galleries and high-end specialized boutiques.

“Oh please,” Audrey said. “Don’t listen to her bullshit. It’s not about the perfect gift. She’s just trying to win Christmas.”

“You can’t win Christmas,” Aaron scoffed as he looked for a place to pull over and let me out. “It’s not a competition.”

Audrey took a swallow of coffee then turned toward the back seat to glare at me. “It is if you’re Maggie.”

I shrugged. She wasn’t wrong. There wasn’t anything else in life that I was the least little bit competitive about. Except for gift giving. I wanted to make sure that whatever I gave was the best thing they got. Not the biggest or the most expensive–but the most thoughtful. And if it involved learning to knit or macramé, then I’d do it.

My sister was just pissed because she never won–and she was competitive about everything. Well, there was that one time our niece was going through her Marie Antoinette phase, and Audrey found the Marie Antoinette doll with the detachable head before I did. My gift had paled in comparison. That wasn’t happening this year. Not if I could help it.

Aaron stopped the car in front of a little store that sold handmade paper and journals.

This looked promising.

“Hurry up,” he said. “I’m double-parked.”

I grabbed my purse and climbed out of the car.

“We’ll be back around four,” he called as I shut the door.

I nodded to let him know I’d heard, and walked into the little shop. I immediately found a leather-bound sketchbook and handmade colored pencils for my nephew, but I couldn’t find anything for my niece who was now heavily invested in mid-eighteenth century miniature portraits. Because of course she was. What 15 year old girl didn’t love miniature portraits?  Audrey had already gotten Annabelle a book on portraiture, so whatever I came up with needed to be better than that.

I left the paper shop holding my purchases and crossed the street. It had begun to snow while I was inside, and snowflakes clung to my eyelashes. I blinked them away as I ducked inside a gallery I didn’t remember seeing before. Glancing around at the items on display, I noticed that it looked like the artist specialized in oils.

As I wandered through the shelves, my gaze fell on some pendants lying in a glass case. On each chain hung a miniature, perfectly rendered painting. Most were landscapes, but there were a few people and animals scattered among the rolling hills and churning oceans. Inspiration hit. I knew what I wanted to get Annabelle. Her very own miniature portrait of  herself.

A woman approached. “Would you like to take a closer look at anything in the case?” she asked, surprising me with an English accent.

“Are you the artist?” I asked.

“No, no. I don’t have that kind of talent.”

I smiled. “Do you know if the artist does custom orders?”

“Oh, he does. Absolutely.” She pulled a pad of paper and a pen out from beneath the counter. “If you’ll just write a description of what you’d like, I’ll get it over to him.”

I glanced at the paper in her hand. “Actually, I was kind of hoping to speak with him directly.”

Her lips thinned for a moment. Then her smile was back in place as if it had always been there. “Cornelius!”

A little boy, maybe nine or ten, rounded the corner. He was dressed from head to toe in gray wool–trousers, jacket and sweater.  He wore a slightly darker gray newsboy cap on his head. “Yes, mum?”

“Take this lady to Augustus.”

“I don’t want to trouble anyone. If you’d just give me an address or a phone number or email address, I’ll be out of your hair.”

There was something off about this situation, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was.I looked between the woman and what I assumed was her son. I really didn’t want to miss this opportunity for the chance at the perfect gift, and who knew…I was likely imagining things anyway. The stress of holiday shopping was probably getting to everyone.

“Nonsense. Augustus will be glad of the company. Now, off you go.”

Cornelius looked up at me with the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. “This way, mum.”

I followed him through the labyrinth of boxes and packing material that made up the back room of the store hoping the kid wasn’t leading me to some kind of murder basement. He stopped at a big steel door and picked up an old fashioned lantern that sat on a nearby wooden stool.

I watched, curious, as he lit it. Glancing back at me, as if making sure I was still there, he tugged open the heavy-looking door, and a swirl of snow blew in. I adjusted my scarf and followed him outside. Augustus must have some sort of studio in the courtyard that ran between the businesses on this street and the next one over.

I blinked at the blowing snow and stepped away from the building, trying to catch up with the little boy. I stumbled slightly and looked down. The courtyard had been paved with cobblestones. But when I looked up to see Cornelius at least fifteen yards ahead of me, I realized I wasn’t in a courtyard at all.

I was in the middle of a street, about to get run over by a horse drawn carriage. I jumped to the side and bumped into a…lamplighter…?

“Oy! Watch it, will ya?”

“I’m…sorry.”

I turned back to the building I’d just left, but it was gone. Vanished as if it had never been there. Panic built in my chest, and I ran after the child, keeping my gaze fixed on the lantern light bobbing in the distance.

Okay, so that’s the last photo fic of the year from me. Be sure to check out Deelylah’s story. 

Yeah…this week’s topic?

This is pretty much how I’m feeling about it.

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And also this.

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And some of this.

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With a whole lotta this.

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Okay, so it may not be apparent, but I’m having a little trouble with the whole concept of balance. I don’t feel like any area of my life is anywhere near balance.

Probably because it’s not.

I race from one thing to the next. It’s either all writing, or all client edits, or all coaching (writing–not sportsball), or all family stuff, or all sewing, or all knitting, or all cross stitching, or all cleaning. But  no matter what it is I’m throwing myself into, I’m super far behind on everything else.

I started using a planner and a bullet journal. They help keep me on track, but right now, there’s just more that needs doing than I seem to be able to manage right now.

Part of the problem is that there’s a lot of external stress going on in my life at the moment, and none of the things are  not anything I can do something about. I have to wait them out like everyone else.

Unfortunately.

I’m great in an emergency. Gaping head wound? I’m your girl. Tire blowout on the expressway? I can steer that car though traffic and get it safely to the median. Broken limb? Mental health crisis? I got you. Now, granted, I’ll fall apart once the crisis is past, but mid-crisis? No prob.

But this long term stress stuff?  Nope. I suck at it. And it seems like the longer it goes on, the more out of balance I feel.

Right now, I know I can only get done what I can get done. So, I write everything down in the journal and the planner and check off as many as I can each day. And I try to remember to make time for self-care. It doesn’t always happen, but I’m trying. Tonight, it was watching Drunk History.

Maybe we should revisit this topic again next year. Perhaps, I’ll have figured out the secret by then. BTW, I’m totally open to suggestions if you’ve got any.

I’m gonna go check out Kellie and Jess‘ posts. Maybe I can pick up some pointers.

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Right now, I admit, I’m having a harder time than usual feeling thankful–which isn’t to say that I don’t have anything to be thankful for, but it’s harder to push through the clouds of fear and dread sounding this country and my family and friends. But in spite of all this, I’m thankful for so many things.

In no particular order, I’m thankful for:

The people who are fighting for the rights of the marginalized  people in this world. They inspire me to do my part and refuse to give up.

My children who teach me daily how to be a better person.  They’re brave and brilliant and unflinchingly afraid to be who they truly are. They’re amazing, and I wouldn’t change anything about them. That’s a lie. They could be a little better about doing dishes and cleaning litter boxes. But other than that? We’re good.

My husband who makes me laugh–even in the face of what seems like insurmountable bullshit. He’s also incredibly supportive and one of my best friends.

My family. I adore my family–seriously adore them. I’m the oldest of the five of us (three boys and two girls) and we’re all incredibly close. We’ve always got each other’s back. And we’re also good when it’s time for tough love, too. And our mom is, by far the very best one.

My amazing friends. I’m pretty sure I won the lottery with these women. They’re wise, supportive, hilarious, brilliant, generous, talented, kind,  and they’ve got the tough love available when I need it.

My cats. Crazy cat lady writers are a bit of a cliché, but they keep me calm, cheer me up, make me laugh, and help me keep life in perspective.

Nature. I’m grateful for the wild places, the waves that pound against the shore, the riot of brilliant leaves in autumn, the explosion of scent and color in the spring, the intricate patterns of frost, and the ice that glistens on bare branches in winter, and the  canopy of rustling summer leaves beneath the sky heavy with stars. All of these things speak to me and soothe my soul like few things can.

A roof over my head, food to eat, and clean water to drink. Circumstances aren’t particularly ideal at the moment, but they’re certainly not horrific, either. I’m grateful for what we have and that we’re together. Yeah…I know. That sounds cheesy. But whatevs.

The stories, music, and art that speak to me. I’m grateful for the creations that keep me sane, help me to see the world through a different lens, and help help me to escape when I need it.

Fabric, yarn, clay, and all the other bits and pieces of things that I use to make other things. I’m grateful that I have the ability to make things–both as a form of relaxation for myself and to bring a smile to others.

The freedom and ability to write and express myself. I’m also incredibly grateful to and honored by those who read what I’ve written. Thanks, guys. It’s incredibly appreciated.

I know I’m lucky. I have a world of privileges and options that so many others don’t. Someday, very soon, I hope I can add thankfulness for equality for all people to this list.

I’m thankful for more things. But I’m also tired AF, and right now, I’m especially thankful for clean, flannel sheets and a husband who’s warming up my side of the bed for me. Be sure to check out what Kellie and Paige are thankful for.

songprompt4

This month’s song fic is inspired by Poets of the Fall’s song, War. Here are the links for the video and lyrics.

Sidenote on this story. I, along with many other people, got some terrible news recently about a couple of people we love. And I guess this is me trying to deal with that.

 

More often than not, I find myself in a broken field–huge cracks in the earth and the world washed in that strange gray light that makes it impossible to tell if it’s morning or evening. And I’m alone in the world. There’s only me, the endless sky and the bent and dried stalks of grass.

It’s only when the pain comes that I know you’re with me. Even though I can barely open my eyes, I know you’re here. I can feel your hand around mine, and the weight of your head against my hip as you rest your forehead against the bed.

And I hear you talking to me. I can’t answer, even though I want to. Desperately. I tried to tell you everything you needed to know before I couldn’t any more. And I thought I had. I thought I’d told you all the things I love most about you. I want to tell you you’re remembering our first date wrong. I want to tell you that no one has ever made me as happy as you have. I want to tell you about the broken field where I’ll be waiting for you, but the pain steals my breath. It steals my words. It steals me away from you.

Cool relief spreads through my body, and that relief carries me away from you. Farther and faster than usual. But I can still make out your lips on my head, and the heat of your tears on my skin.

I know you can’t hear me, but I’ll be waiting for you in the broken field for as long as it takes.

Be sure to check out the other bloggers’ stories – Jess and Kris  Also? Fuck cancer.