“So that’s it? I just write down all the stuff I want to get rid of and throw the list in the fire?”
The woman standing on the other side of the flames from me nodded. “That’s it.”
I watched her for a second longer, discomfort swirling in my gut. The whole thing sounded like some sort of crunchy granola bullshit—something you’d find in one of those new age, hippie enrichment classes taught at that ridiculous crystal shop that had opened up in the dying strip mall on the edge of town.
But whatever. I’d play her little negativity releasing game. Maybe it would get me laid. She was gorgeous, and she had that free spirit vibe that screamed sex. The flickering light of the fire glinted off her long, blue-black hair and shimmered in her huge brown eyes. Granted, I usually preferred blonde and tan with big tits…but she’d do. Pussy was pussy.
“Use this.” She glided around the fire and handed me some kind of rolled up piece of parchment that looked like a scroll you’d find with a Harry Potter costume. Courtesy of the ridiculous crystal store, I was sure.
I sat on a log in front of the fire and unrolled the paper. “Um…do you have—?” Before I could finish my question, she handed me an ornate looking fountain pen. Removing the cap, I put the nib to the paper as I thought about the shit in my life I wanted to ditch.
Grades from the last three semesters
The syphilis I picked up from clingy girlfriend’s BFF
Huge credit card balances
Who thought it was a good idea to give college students credit cards, anyway!?
The woman meandered in a counterclockwise circle around the fire as the waves lapped at the shore. “Remember to dig deep,” she said. “Don’t just focus on the external issues in your life. Think about the things you’d like to change about yourself.”
Tapping the pen against my lips, I stared into the dancing flames. What internal things did I want to change about myself? Nothing, really. Sure, I had exes accuse me of being selfish and heartless, but knowing you deserve the best and expecting people to understand that’s the way you were meant to be treated didn’t necessarily make me a bad person. It just meant that I just wanted what I had coming to me.
But, I reasoned, if I tossed a few of those so-called negative traits out there, it might up my chances of fucking her. Chicks dug it when you seemed all wounded and broken. There was nothing they liked better than taking care of people. I glanced up at her, feeling her gaze on me, watching her long black maxi dress swirl around her ankles. Why the fuck did women wear those anyway? They were ugly as fuck, but easy access, I supposed.
I quickly wrote: selfishness, jealousy, and loneliness. That should tug her heartstrings hard enough to open her legs.
“Okay,” I said. “All finished. Now what?”
She smiled. “Now, you sign your full name.”
I scrawled, Jason Charles Chambers then handed her pen back to her.
“Go ahead and toss it in the fire and say, ‘I release all negativity from my life.’”
I feel like a douche, but I repeated the phrase and tossed the scroll into the crackling flames. The edges curled and blackened and heat licked my feet and ankles. Had I stepped too close? I glanced down, horrified to see that my shoes were both on fire.
I tried to kick sand over them to douse the flames, but they crept up my legs searing my skin. “Get me some water!” I screamed.
The woman jut stood there and watched, that same smile curving her lips.
“Did you hear me, you stupid bitch? Get me some fucking water!”
She crossed her arms over her chest and continued to stare.
Desperate, I dropped to the ground and tried to smother the flames by rolling in the sand, but by now, my shorts had caught, and my legs stopped working as fire engulfed my chest. It was getting harder to breathe and the pain was unbearable. Words had abandoned me and all I had left were screams.
She took a step toward me but made no move to help. “I thought this might be the result.” She shrugged. “By banishing all negativity from your life, you had nothing left. But, I guess that’s what happens when you’re a selfish dickbag.”
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