Somehow, I’ve managed to pick up yet another straggler on the afternoon school run. His name is Andrew…but he goes by Kevin. Why? Because Killian and Justin decided that he looked just like their friend Kevin from elementary school (who went to a different high school) and they started calling him Replacement Kevin, which over the course of the last year and a half has been shortened to Kevin. They’ve also convinced people that Kevin’s known for years, that his name really is Kevin and he just went by Andrew during elementary and junior high school. Kevin’s hilarious, wickedly smart, irreverent and fits in perfectly with the rest of them. So now I have four, gangly teenage boys crammed into my little Saturn.
This is the conversation that took place last week.
Justin: Oh man, how come Mitchell has to sit in the middle?
Killian: Because I got to the front seat first.
Kevin: This isn’t gonna end well. Just sayin’.
Justin: Mitchell get your leg off me. Boundaries! Personal space!!
Kevin: Not cool, dude! So not cool!
I glance into the backseat to see Mitchell sitting with his legs spread and draped over both Justin and Kevin’s laps with a big, dopey grin on his face.
Me: Comfy, Mitchell?
The boys all wave at the parking lot attendants who are completely void of anything resembling a sense of humor and off we go to bring Kevin home.
Justin: For fuck’s sake, Mitchell! What the hell are you doing?
Justin: Mrs. Killian’s Mommy, tell Mitchell to quit touching my nipple!
Kevin: Mrs. Killian’s Mommy, I’m uncomfortable with this.
Justin: I feel violated, Mrs. Killian’s Mommy.
Kevin: I feel violated by association, Mrs. Killian’s Mommy.
Killian: I feel glad I’m in the front seat.
Me: Mitchell, I can’t believe I have to say this, but quit touching Justin’s nipple.
Justin: Mitchell, I’m going to break your damn fingers.
Mitchell: These things wouldn’t happen if I got to sit in the front.
After we dropped Kevin off, Mitchell retreated to the other side of the back seat. After a while, he leaned forward and started groping Killian.
Killian: Knock it off, Mitchell!
Me: Mitchell, are you touching my son inappropriately?
Mitchell: Yepper. Pretty much.
Killian: Well, quit it!
Mitchell: Next time, let me sit in the front.
I’m guessing Mitchell gets his way today.