As many of you know I read things wrong all the time. I read Grand Rapids Dominicans as Grand Rapids Dominatrixes and Polar Expedition Vacation Bible School as Bi-Polar Exhibitionism Vacation Bible School. (I actually had to turn the car around to re-read that sign.)
My mom misreads things often, too. She read the McDonald’s sign that said, Try Out New Angus Burgers as Try Our New Anus Burners. The great thing about my mom is that it didn’t immediately occur to her that she’d misread the sign. Her first thought was that McDonald’s was incorporating jalapenos into their menu. Gotta love my mom – lol.
Apparently, I’ve moved on from misreads to mishears.
I was doing the carpool run the other day and the boys were talking about video games and Justin was going on about tactical slots. Only I thought he said, tactical sloths.
Me: (very confused) What’s a tactical sloth?
Justin: (looks at me like I’m an idiot) It’s a three fingered mammal that sometimes comes out of it’s tree to whisper in your ear – Attack from behind. Tighten up your left flank. Use the pincer maneuver.
I laughed so freaking hard. I wish I was that quick and clever…but alas, I’m not. I do adore that kid, though.
I have to preface this next story by saying that despite living in Michigan (the land of snow and ice) I rarely wear a winter coat. I wear this awesome hand knit poncho that my mom made for herself back in the 60s. I adopted it about 10 years ago and have been wearing it ever since. I hate getting bundled up and since I’m usually only going from the house to the car, I just wear the poncho.
Okay, so Killian and I were looking at switching cell phone service. We were standing in the AT&T store, checking out phones when Killian starts nudging me with his elbow.
Killian: Hey mama, I think that dude’s talking to you.
Killian: (gestures with his head behind us) That guy, he’s talking to you.
Me: (turns to see a guy in his late 40s or 50s shopping for phones with an elderly woman)
Guy: Hey girl!
Me: (surprised to be called ‘girl’ but am pleased none the less. Ten years ago, I probably would have been pissed, but now, I’m okay with it.) Yes?
Guy: Hey girl! It’s cold outside! Can’t you see the snow?!
Me: I can indeed see the snow.
Guy: Then why the hell are you wearing that…that…that carpet around?
Me: (moderately offended at my beloved aran knit poncho being referred to as a carpet) It’s a poncho, and I’m fine, thanks.
Killian (sing-songing in a very quiet voice) Flypaper for freaks. Flypaper for freaks.
Me: (giggling) Shhhh.
Guy: (clearly getting agitated and angry) Hey girl! You’re going to catch your death out there!
Me: I promise, I’m fine, but thank you for thinking of me.
Guy: I’m serious! It’s really cold out there! You need a real coat! Why don’t you have a real coat on?
Killian: (still quietly singing) Flypaper for freaks. Flypaper for freaks.
Elderly woman: (tugging at his arm) Leave her alone.
Guy: C’mon, ma! Can’t you see I’m trying to save a life, here?!
One of the AT&T employees was horrified and amazed. Apparently he’d never seen a complete stranger berate another stranger before. I told him that this was nothing. He should come to the auto repair shop with me, sometime.