You know that phrase, “In the parade of dumb and stupid, I’m the one twirling the flaming baton?” Well boy-howdy, I’m not leading the parade of dumb and stupid – I AM the parade. In a nutshell – I just flashed the damn Fed-Ex guy. The extremely hot (but stoooopid) Fed-Ex guy.
Here’s the Reader’s Digest version. I have an enclosed front porch. I have two small kittens. Hot guy knocks on my inner door, leaving the outer door wide open, with a package for me, I open the inner door a crack and say, “Please shut the door…I have kittens that I don’t want to get out.” He stands there staring like the village idiot.
Yes, it’s almost noon. Yes, I have my jammies on. Don’t judge me. I’m a writer. It’s what we do.
I feel comfortable stating that he wasn’t staring because of my ravishing beauty. Seriously – my hair is sticking out at weird angles, my glasses are crooked and I’m in my jammies. My ugly jammies. It’s more of a night shirt, really. It should also be noted I was sans undies – not that it was apparent while I was standing at the door, but more on that later.
So while, he stands there with a vacant expression on his face mumbling about needing to sign for my box of bookmarks, Morrighan and Willow – cutest and also naughtiest kittens in the world – dart around our feet while he says, “Oh…you have cats.” Why, yes. Yes, I do. I mentioned them earlier when I asked you to close the fucking door.
I yelp and tell him to move while I dart outside and scoop up the spastic little balls of fur. That’s when my jammie shirt flips up showing my bare ass. I should also mention the two cars that drove by while I was grabbing the kittens. I’m pretty sure one of them contained my neighbor, Betty the Biddy.
To make my day complete, as I stumbled up my steps with an armful squirming kitten, Morrighan clawed at my jammies, exposing my right breast to the Fed-Ex guy who continued to stare like Cleetus the Slackjawed Yokel.
I put the kittens in the house, signed for the damn bookmarks on one of those electronic signing things, after adding a small nearly illegible note that said, “Next time, close the damn door.”