Bronwyn Green

The Corner of Quirky & Kinky

Like a lot of places in the States, we’re having one hell of an early spring in Michigan. Seriously. It’s been in the 80s this week. The grass is growing, the flowers are blooming, the trees are budding and apparently Satan’s Snowflakes are out and about.

If you’re unfamiliar with the concept of Satan’s Snowflakes, let me clarify. Spiders are not hatched. They’re unique – individually handcrafted by Satan to scare the ever living fuck out of me.

So today, at oh-dark-hundred, I’m making my way through our backyard to the garage so I can take the kids to school and I walk through some freshly strung cobwebs. I flail around try to slap them off my face and mange to spill my hot tea down the front of my top. (Nothing says good morning like scalded breasts.)

Then I feel it. A bite. On. My. Lip. THERE WAS A SPIDER ON MY FACE. ON MY MOUTH. Like any good arachnophobe, I screamed. And flailed around some more.

Killian: Dude.

Corwin: Problem?

Me: A goddamn spider bit my lip! It’s tingling!

Killian: At least it wasn’t a black widow.

Me: Seriously?! There was a spider on my face and that’s your idea of comfort?

Killian: I coulda said brown recluse…

Me: It’s swelling. And turning numb.

Corwin: Can I see?

I turned on the the light in the car.

Killian:. Huh. So it is.

So we drove to pick up Justin with me alternating poking at my numb and swollen lip and raking my fingers through my hair in fear that the little bastard was still crawling on me somewhere. So we get to Justin’s house and my skin is crawling and I’m twitching like I’m in detox and Justin gets in the car.

Justin: I don’t want to go to school.

Me: At least a fucking spider didn’t bite your lip.

Justin: That’s what you get for making out with a spider.

Me: EWWWWWW, Justin!

Justin: You were into it.

So yeah…this has been my morning and it’s not even 9 am yet. I’m gonna go take some more Benedryl and put more hydrocortisone on my lip.

0 thoughts on “When Satan’s Snowflakes Attack

  1. molli says:

    You do realize this could only happen to YOU!? I'm alternating between laughing my ass off and wincing in sympathy.

  2. Anonymous says:

    That poor little baby spider. 🙁 I thought you were the earth mommy. How can you hate a baby?


  3. Kris Norris says:

    OMG… I fucking laughed out loud when I got to 'brown recluse'… it's sooooo what one of my boys would say.

    And Justin!!! You were into it? Seriously… yeah, I see some awesome prank coming their way in the very near future.

    Thanks for the one laugh in my day… of course I'm laughing with you…

  4. CLK says:

    OMG! I'm so with you on the arachnid hate! I will also admit to LMFAO while reading this…between the boys' comments and your reaction (which would be mild in comparison to anything I would do, because that's generally what I do when I just see one….15 feet away), I almost nosed my milk and cereal.

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